empty.

well it's been an eternity since my last post, and just when i decided i was not a blogger, my desire has been rekindled.

last night i was reminded of how i need to make art. rainer marie rilke in "letters to a young poet" asks the question "must you write?" I've talked about and meditated on that question quite a bit..... must you create? and if you must then do it. with all your heart and soul. (that's the general gist of the letter Rilke writes.) The need, desire, impulse to create has "spread its roots into the very depths of [my] heart."

so anyhow, i keep remembering that I need to incorporate little experiences of creating, whatever that may look like, if i "don't have time" (ugh. that's another blog post, eh?) to make an extensive piece of art.

today i was sitting in a difficult conversation, wanting it to be over, feeling quite drained. and i felt struck by the art in the every day. my surroundings matched my insides in the most perfect way.

Happy Easter!!

For Good Friday one of the ways my church reflects is through meditations on the seven last words of Christ

I was asked to do a reflection and thought I'd share it here....

Jesus saw his mother and the disciple he loved standing there; so he said to his mother, "Woman, here is your son." Then he said to the disciple, "Here is your mother." And from that time the disciple took her to live in his home. (John 19:26-27)

The presence of Jesus’ mother here reminds us of the fleshy-ness of the Incarnation. His experience of family adds to the humanity of his experience on earth. We are reminded that Jesus was a real human being, a man who had once been a boy who had once been carried in the womb of his mother. The Light of the world took on the darkness of the womb. The Word become flesh was mute for nine months. The humble love that drove Christ to empty himself and enter the world as a child is the same love that sends him to the cross.

The presence of Mary also reminds us of the immense grief that Mary and John must have experienced. I cannot imagine the horror of watching one’s son in that immense pain. Once again I’m reminded of Christ’s birth, as shepherds spread the word of the birth of the King, angels sang, and Mary “treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” I wonder if she was remembering those days in this moment, continuing to ponder these things in her heart as she looked at Jesus upon the cross. And Jesus, in the midst of His pain, chooses to step into their grief. Out of his love for them He provides a new family. He acknowledges their pain & grief and provides for them. In the kingdom of the crucified one, the lonely are not left to suffer alone. Amidst Christ working out the redemption of the whole of creation, He also acknowledges the grief of John and Mary. It’s because of his humble, fleshy love that he is able to step into that grief, for He too once wept for a friend’s death. When Jesus wept for his friend, Lazarus, in so many ways those tears were a waste. He knew his capacity to raise his friend from the dead, and it goes against reason and rationality for Jesus to have sat and wept. Those tears were extravagant. It’s that same kind of extravagance that we see here. As Christ is at work providing salvation for the entire world, He provides for and steps into the grief of these two people. It is a waste for Him to pour such love out for these two individuals. It’s extravagant for Him to see them—to look at them with love and see their pain.

This radical, humble, extravagant love is what so shapes John‘s identity—the disciple Jesus loves. Out of the twelve disciples, John is the only one we see with Jesus at the cross. While the other disciples have run away in fear, the disciple Jesus loves is sitting at the foot of the cross. There for Jesus to say to him, “Here is your mother.” These words stir something in me, a deep desire to be the faithful disciple that Jesus sees standing at the cross. To so identify as Jamie—the disciple Jesus loves that I would trust Him and allow His perfect love to drive out fear. For it’s that perfect love that drove Him to enter into our world, live the life of a servant, and submit to death, even death on a cross.

In Jesus’ provision and words to Mary and John I find an invitation. There’s an invitation for me, for us, to trust deeply in the extravagant, humble love of Christ. It’s a risk to believe that the Lord’s love is so mysteriously wasteful that He steps into my grief, my pain, and my hurt. That just as He redeemed the entire creation, He has redeemed me. As I sit with that love, and identify myself as the disciple Jesus loves, I believe that love will motivate us, to be the disciple that pursues rugged faithfulness rather than running away in fear. “Jesus saw his mother and the disciple he loved standing there,” and so he spoke to them. Jesus’ love on Calvary sees us, whispers to us, beckons us to trust, and says that His love is capable of transforming our broken hearts. Our hearts can be swept away in a deep trust and knowledge that we are the one Jesus loves.

eeeeek

It's almost been a month since my last post.

That would be because this one time I got a concussion, took students to Jubilee, and then got sick. Basically the month of February was a complete blur for me. I really hope to never feel like that again.

I (re)learned a lot about myself. I was reminded how much I love to do things by myself. how much i love to pretend that I am the god of my universe. that i'm super self-sufficient and i can do everything. i love to find my identity in being articulate, smart, and good at my job. i like to do what i want, when i want. and all of that is super annoying to say, but let's be honest, it's how I live.

So I got a concussion, couldn't think, articulate myself well, and I shouldn't have been doing the things that I was trying to do. Apparently a concussion is a serious brain injury, who knew? it was actually pretty painful to ask for help and admit over and over again that i couldn't do things.

and really that's not the person I want to be. so i'm trying to learn from the month of blurryness. I'm trying to step forward in the radical acts of asking for help, finding strength in weakness, and continuing to lean into the grace of Christ.

Jubilee 2010 was delightful, and now that my brain is not bruised I look forward to sharing more soon. :)

the blizzard of 2010!!

well it's been a snowy few days here!
i've been drinking lots of coffee & hot cocoa, hanging out with students, finishing up a little decoration project, and getting a concussion. ya know the usual little blizzard activities.



the icicles outside of my living room window are insaneeee. i love how much the snow bonds neighbors. sharing shovels, battling the snow together, etc.



the snow has meant lots of time inside, so i've been baking and finishing up my little winter love decorations.



each of the hearts has some thoughts on love--romantic and otherwise--to make me smile.


"The more I think it over, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people." (van gogh)


always hopes.

the other night after returning home from campus, I was slightly distracted walking home, and fell down some concrete steps. Now it all happened so fast that i didn't realize at first that i blacked out after hitting my head. I quickly realized it when i had all the signs of a concussion--dizziness, dilated pupils, pounding head, weird vision--super fun. so i was indeed concussed, and hurt my back too. hilarious.


me, post-concussion

unfortunate timing since i'm looking forward to a crazy week prior to bringing students to the Jubilee Conference. Fortunately I have really great students who will shovel my car out, and are eager to help me out when I need it this week.

beautiful music

two weeks ago i made a little road trip to kent to be apart of the CD release show of some dear friends in the band Bethesda.



it was one of the most incredible shows I've ever experienced.



i am so proud of them for continuing to make such beautiful music.
their music is such a powerful expression of life, beauty, love, and experiences with God. there was one point in the show when they were singing "let these chains break free" and we were all dancing that was incredibly moving. the last song was a gigantic party, full of dancing, amazing music, so much love in the room--i almost cried from the beauty of it all.

i woke up the next morning and knew that i'd had a taste of shalom.

taste for yourself. you can buy the new album "Love in a Time of Tra La La" on itunes now!



it is such a gift to call these folks friends and i feel grateful for the ways God moves in and through them and the music they create.

so i'm doing super great at my new years resolution to blog more, eh?

well here I am.....with some thoughts brewing that I'm hoping will become fleshed out as i type. we'll see if it makes any sense in the process.....

i work with college students and am preparing for our upcoming Jubilee Conference. The conference invites students to view all of life--their academics, future vocations, relationships, life rhythms, work & play, etc.--as an avenue through which one can worship Christ.

so we have folks like Jessica Jackley, founder of kiva.org, Bill Strickland, Gary Haugen, president of IJM--incredible people who cast a vision of living for something, Someone, bigger than ourselves. Many of these folks are young, creating their own organizations, pouring their lives into a work worth living for.

The vision of the Jubilee Conference, and I believe the vision of the Scriptures in general, is that in the midst of the mundane we have an opportunity to lay down our lives as worship in our "everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life" as Eugene Peterson puts it in the Message. So we want students to catch a vision for being apart of the Kingdom, something bigger than themselves. and sometimes that looks really crazy like freeing folks from sex trafficking .... and sometimes it looks like doing a paper really well in a class you hate.

I know that we stress the latter situation as much, if not more so, as the former. but I sometimes worry what our message becomes in a culture of self-entitlement.

That is, I wonder if we all expect our dream jobs post-graduation. and not just in a slightly naive, not quite sure of how hard post-grad life can be. but it's as if being apart of a Kingdom-building vocation will feel exhilarating every day. certainly when we believe that our work is a significant part of building the Kingdom--whether it's campus ministry or accounting, freeing slaves or teaching kids in the suburbs--there is meaning that brings joy and abundant life. but there are also days when it doesn't feel like a really fun job.

I hear stories about people saying no to jobs because it's not exactly what they were looking for. or quitting jobs because they just don't like it. and for some this seems to really be the most life-giving, Kingdom minded choice. but I wonder if we're just too lazy, too idealistic (eek), too entitled, too _______ to push through the messyness of the mundane. Can we only feel fulfilled if we work for IJM, a domestic violence shelter, or some other compelling mission? Is it possible to go to a desk and work in accounting at your average firm for the Kingdom and experience joy?

I don't want to contribute to an entitlement mindset, this time with a Jesus label. But I do believe that the rich truth that Jesus cares deeply about every square inch of creation and in Him all things hold together infuses our jobs with meaning. It seems just like the God we worship to invite us into a work that feels really "boring" and ask Him to breathe life into it, to ask God where He is at work in mundane projects, and to work towards restoration one day, one meeting, one project at a time.

hope for haiti

i couldn't figure out exactly why i was so enamored by the "hope for haiti" benefit on friday.
there was something about it that just felt "right" but i couldn't quite place what it was, besides the obvious need for aid for the people of haiti.

i think the idea of musicians involved in the effort is such a picture of redemption. the idea of music stepping into the immense pain of this destruction is such an illustration of common grace. God is working to restore His creation and uses Hollywood to do it. i love it.

the whole thing was made better because you have to be a quality musician to participate in something like that, sans crazy effects. just music and hope. certainly the people of haiti need more than some famous people playing music, but i think they need music too. we all need music when we see such intense pain and tragedy. my heart is heavy for the people of haiti and all the work ahead. but i am grateful for these bits of hope.....

Donate Now: 1-877-99-HAITI in US/Canada, or go to www.hopeforhaitinow.org

Donate Now: 1-877-99-HAITI in US/Canada, or go to www.hopeforhaitinow.org

o sleep.

so one of my new years resolutions is to sleep.
and i have my friend melatonin to help me.



it's a natural supplement that helps you enter into deep sleep. it's pretty mild and is all natural so i feel pretty ok with it.
in fact i love it.

i actually read the bottle (i'm not always so good at that game) and saw that you're supposed to take a week off every two months. and this is my week without it. it also happens to be the worst week i've had in a little while.

so i'm angry. and i can't sleep.

and not sleeping makes you crazy. and after a few months of sleeping well, not sleeping feels horrible. i can feel the difference of being healthy and now feeling sleeplessly crazy. so today as i've been feeling the weight of not sleeping well for several days I've been thinking about the way God made us.
we're made to need sleep. when we don't rest we are different people. less ourselves. it's one of the many ways God invites us to remember that we are human, not God.

i'm ending my week a day short, because i need to stop feeling crazy. o sleep. i love thee.

sometimes you need trashy tv.........

o my. it's been a rough few days for me.
and there are few things that help as much as super trashy tv.
thank God The Bachelor was on tonight.

it's completely ridiculous. and yet there's also a little social psychology in it.

here's what i've learned from watching jake the bachelor with "the bachlorettes"

always act surprised. these women always act so surprised. even though the dates are so predictable. there's usually some combo of incredible food, extreme experiences, helicopters, music, and/or hot tubs. it's silly. but i'm sure it's an ego boost for ol' jake when they act like it's the most surprising original thing ever.



giggle a lot. he loves the girls who giggle. and squeal.

self disclosure is key. little communications theory here, social penetration theory. it's fascinating to watch these women share pieces of themselves and the results of those conversations. immediately jake is smitten with them and often says something along the lines of "it makes me like her even more." equally as interesting is that jake hasn't disclosed much of himself at all. yet the women feel like they "know" him because they've self-disclosed. (and the ridiculously extravagant dates and experiences, but that's another story.)
there's a lot to think about with that, but tonight's not about thinking, it's about indulging in silly tv. haha.

thanks for the distraction, jake!

cheers to 2010!

i had such a great time ringing in 2010!
i don't always feel like it, but as i thought about 2009 and the friends with whom i celebrated a new year, i realized i really am grateful for this place in my life. it's not perfect, but i have people i love a lot around me, laugh often, and have much to be grateful for.



here are my hopes for the new year::10 in 2010

make art at least once / month. this might not sound like a lot to some, but i tend to go through phases, sometimes making art non stop for a few weeks, and then taking some time off. the problem is that i get grumpy and sadder than usual when i'm not creative. so whether i feel particularly creative, i need to do something at least once in a month. hopefully more.

keep financially responsible. i picked up a few new financial stresses in the last few months. i want to keep trying to stick to my budget, give generously, and stay out of debt.

read more. between taking a grad class and the general busyness of life, i sometimes forget how much i love to read. and how much God works in my head and heart when I do so.

currently loving:



call & write my grandma more often.

sleep. in the last few months i've been reminded how significant sleep is for our overall health. my emotional health is so different when i'm sleeping well. so in 2010, i will be well rested.

open hands. last year i had a small section of my new years resolutions that i called "the stuff of dreams." one was 'fall in love again.' i've been thinking about how much control one has over that. and i guess that's still yet to be determined, but what i do know is that i want to continue to live with open hands, ready to receive the gifts God has for me, whatever that might look like. (that encompasses a lot more than falling in love, but that's one possibility to which my hands are very open haha)

take an amazing vacation. i'm hoping to go to cali this summer, but even if for some reason it doesn't happen, i'm committed to resting, laughing, and enjoying friends for a bit again this summer.

blog more.

memorize scripture. i really suck at this game, but i have a renewed desire to write these words on my heart.

continue incorporating the rhythms of 2009 into my life. i loved keeping my new years resolutions, and the good gifts that i experienced in the process. so i want to keep taking lots of photos, jumping in the car, celebrating life with dresses, cooking.......

cheers to 2010, it's gonna be a good one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I had a great time ringing in the new year!!

This morning I was talking about last year's new years resolutions....so before I share my goals for this year, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on how I did.....

9 for 2009.....



1. Get better posture. I amde this goal when I was 13 with my bff and my posture still sucks. I didn't do well at being super intentional with this, but I do think it's gotten better.

2. wear more dresses to celebrate the every day. I love to celebrate life. And I love clothes. I really liked wearing more dresses. All the time in the summer, lots of high waisted fall skirts, and deciding to just try to be the best dressed person in the room. ;)

3. choose hope. Here's the thing. Sometimes I get a little dark and twisty. And by sometimes I mean a lot of times. But I want to believe that light shines through the cracks, and choosing to believe there is goodness in each moment changes the way I experience those moments. I certainly have room to grow here, but I like to think that in 2009 I chose to hope when it looked dark, and to remind myself that "this" is not the end of my story.

4. work out regularly. oops. haha. not much to say here, though i did run a little more than normal. it's that word regularly that didn't happen so much.

5. persevere in ministry ah. thank God for the grace he gave me to persevere. because the last few months have been filled with a joy, richness, and love that make me cry in gratitude. this is how i know that i chose hope in 2009, because i decided to believe that i could keep going, one small act of faithfulness after another. mm. life is good right now.

6. cook more. lots of delicious friend dinners, soups, real simple dinners, and roasted asparagus. i'm learning to love to cook. here's the thing. i hate to clean up, which honestly sometimes inhibits my cooking. sigh.

7. take more road trips. yay! well my car died on one, but all the others were great! lots of visits to friends, a february trip to philly where I almost threw up on the drive home (getting the flu on a road trip alone is not fun.), summer delightfulness with a repeat trip to philly. seriously life is good.

8. read the bible more... in a way that I'm falling in love with these letters again... I have loved my advent readings. and i re-read some of my favorite minor prophets over the summer. i have some beautiful memories of times reading the scriptures (many of which involve sunshine and porches).

9. take more photos (and delete less of me.) ah! so successful!!!! before 2009, my best friend and i have 0 photos of us after our freshman year party pics. i think we redeemed this area of our lives for sure. so many great pics. ANDDDD i definitely deleted far fewer of myself. i am choosing to believe the good things people tell me about myself instead. :)

and for some proof.....lots of dresses, road trips, and actually having photos to choose from! yay! what a year it's been!

january: getting ready for a friend's wedding.


february: on my road trip to philly (feeling a little ill)


march: at my friends bridal shower.


april: at the same friends beautiful wedding.


may: celebrating my dear friend's graduation from college.


june: taking my sister to the airport for her summer in italy


july: visiting my best friend in philly


august: visiting a lovely friend in chicago.


september: labor day weekend in happy valley (another road trip!)


october: fall fun, apple picking.


november: new hair!


december: Merry Christmas!