o heyyyyy

about a year later, i'm returning to my blog at the perfect time. Because I just reread what I wrote for Good Friday last year and I need those words more than ever. what a gift. I'm always grateful for those rare moments when the Spirit stirs words in us that lends a power that's beyond anything I can stir on my own. I knew this was one of those times last year, but re-reading those words was almost ridiculous. as I'm struggling so much to live trusting in God's goodness these days. I forget the extravagance of Christ's love as I'm convinced God's withholding something good from me.

I'm remembering names of Jesus.
Good Shepherd.
Provider.

In Jesus’ provision and words to Mary and John I find an invitation. There’s an invitation for me, for us, to trust deeply in the extravagant, humble love of Christ. It’s a risk to believe that the Lord’s love is so mysteriously wasteful that He steps into my grief, my pain, and my hurt.

Trusting Jesus is such a moment by moment task, invitation, challenge, risk for me these days. I start my day choosing to worship. And within moments I am wrecked with anxiety, convinced that the universe is crashing in around me. I unclench my fists, and remember God's goodness again. Over and over again.

And yet, my heart is being swept up in love for the One who bottles up every tear I cry. The One whom I know and am known by. The One who is infinitely good. The One who never changes.

There's a refrain often repeated in Scriptures along the vein of "where can I hide from You"....I've been thinking about it often. Where else would I go? I'm really bad at consistently trusting Jesus, but what else can I do? Live with clenched fists? Live by my own plans? I have a fickle heart, but I can't wander for long. I know this, God is rich in mercy, full of goodness, and extravagant in His love. Ultimately, I can't choose anything but trusting in that. So moment by moment I'll open up my hands, breathe, ask the Spirit to guide me, and trust in the Provider. Even when as my friend recently said "it seems as though He delights in taking from us the desires of our hearts." He never changes, and He is good. Clinging to the mystery of that goodness tonight....